ISSUES THAT KEEP ME FROM WRITING
Wanting to be a successful blogger and writer and actually being one is a battle I’m sure everyone with a blog is fighting. There are procrastination issues everywhere as I read all the advice about blogging and drawing readers in to read the stories we tell or learn the lessons we try to teach. But I wonder if other bloggers out there share the same issues as me and I feel alone in those issues. I sure didn’t want to writ today and am only sitting down in front of the computer at 5:30 (Central Time) in the evening.
Why did it take me all day to actually write and post? The WWII like war going on in my brain that I deal with every day. There are days when everything is flowing and my writing comes easy. But the days I know I have to edit, or reread, or cannot think of a topic to write about leave me fighting with myself on the sofa as I try to sleep through the procrastination thoughts and play with my service dog using her demand for attention to keep me from writing. These days are more frequent because of the OCD/ADD combination my brain chemistry is made of.
OCD for me is about perfection and counting so every word has to be correct and the word count of every post has to fall within a certain parameter of perfection this anxiety disorder has set in my head. There are meds I can take for this, but every medication I’ve tried has an undesirable side effect. It really bothers me also, that I didn’t discover this problem until seeking assistance for ADD in 2012. I was a new stepmother with two new youngsters who suffered with ADD/ADHD and learned that the best thing I could do for them as I help them through school was to be on my own medication along with them. It was then that the Dr. said “I can’t help with the ADD, anxiety, or blood pressure problems until we get your OCD issues under control, here’s a prescription.” The next two weeks were spent in a zombie-like coma that ruined all the routines I had previously set up for my children and the next medication brought on a migraine headache if I so much as had a sip of alcohol. Sorry, this Mom needs her juice every now and then, so I gave up on any kind of prescription solution.
The ADD part of my brain keeps me from focusing on a single task long enough to complete it in that OCD needed perfection. In a lot of ways it makes me good at multitasking like cooking supper and writing at the same time. But since I’ve started supper and ADD has kicked in I’ve completed nearly 500 words, cooked chicken in Alfredo sauce, visited a neighbor and cleaned our bathroom. Thankfully, I turned the chicken off before visiting the neighbor and remembering I wanted to clean the bathroom or I would have burned our dinner.
The lack of focus also brings with it an “I don’t care” attitude that doesn’t hold up to my own accountability. If I set my time to begin writing in the morning at 8 am and I don’t have a topic to focus on my mind says “F**K IT,” and nothing gets done; especially if it’s a list I’ve made for myself to take care of. I have always been able to work from lists and tasks for other people, like bosses and especially my husband, but if I have a list I’ve made for myself to complete the difficulty focusing and holding myself accountable for my own list brings about the “get it done later” procrastination that has kept me from writing today.
It did help back in 2012 to finally find out the combination of dysfunction that has always driven my life. I understood, why I failed the first time I attempted writing and blogging. It also made me wait until my mind, body, and soul were all in the right place to begin again. I do, finally, feel I am in the right place. I have everything I want, nothing I don’t want, and not more than I can manage in my personal environment. I am working with some inventive personal therapy to complete these tasks and blog posts. Of course the ADD/OCD combination is evident in two browser windows open in Microsoft Edge and a total of 19 tabs full of Facebook, WordPress, and writing advice blogs that just keep growing as each blog comes to a topic I just have to study and open in a new tab.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one with this issue and I’m hoping someone out there has learned the secret to beating it. If that’s you or someone you know, please put them in contact with me.